What Is Narcissistic Undermining?
Narcissistic partners often use covert tactics to erode your sense of self-worth. Unlike obvious forms of mistreatment, these behaviours can be disguised as concern, humour, or even love. But over time, they leave you feeling confused, anxious, and diminished.
Common Undermining Behaviours:
- Gaslighting: They deny your experiences or twist events to make you doubt your memory or perception.
- Backhanded compliments: “You’re pretty smart for someone who didn’t go to uni.”
- Dismissive body language: Eye-rolling, sighing, or mockery when you express your thoughts or feelings.
- Undermining your achievements: They downplay your successes, or they may claim your achievements were just luck or good fortune.
- Shifting blame: They rarely take responsibility and often twist situations, so you end up apologising.
Living in this kind of relational dynamic can cause an erosion of your self-confidence, an increase in anxiety and self-doubt. You may find yourself withdrawing from others but don’t really understand why. You may have difficulty making decisions whereas previously this wasn’t an issue.
You may feel like you’re having to walk on eggshells to avoid criticism or blame, emotional outbursts or passive-aggressive behaviour. Maybe you fear being dismissed or mocked, or experiencing an escalation in conflict.
Over time, you may start to believe their distorted version of you.
Why It’s So Hard to Recognise
These behaviours often happen gradually. Because they’re not always explosive, they can be brushed off as “just a bad mood” or “a joke.” Narcissistic people can maintain a charming front in public, which can make you question whether you’re overreacting or being too sensitive. You may well have also been told you’re overreacting or being too sensitive numerous times.
What You Can Do
- Keep a journal: Writing things down can help you validate your experiences.
- Talk to someone you trust: Outside perspectives can help clarify what’s going on.
- Learn about healthy relationship dynamics: This helps you to spot red flags early on and to tune into what your intuition is trying to communicate to you.
- Seek therapy or counselling: Supportive, professional guidance can be invaluable in processing your experience and reclaiming your confidence.
If your relationship is making you feel small, confused, or like you’re not yourself anymore, that’s worth paying attention to. Everyone deserves to feel safe, respected, and heard in their relationship.
You don’t have to go through this alone. If you’re in New Zealand or Australia and you’re struggling in a relationship, I provide a safe space for you to process what you’re going through and work out a possible way forward.
👉 Book a complimentary 15-minute discovery call today.
