Did you grow up in a home where criticism, yelling, or silent treatment were everyday occurrences? You may not have realised it at the time, but that environment was shaping your idea of what “normal” family life looks like. As children, we don’t have the ability to compare our experiences to others. We accept the world we live in as ‘normal’. Therefore, when dysfunction is all you know, it becomes invisible to you.
This is one of the hardest truths for many adults to come to terms with. You may wonder why you feel anxious, struggle with boundaries, or keep ending up in unhealthy relationships. Often, the answer lies in these earlier years. Dysfunction that went unrecognised doesn’t disappear, it shows up in subtle ways throughout adulthood, often through the subconscious beliefs we absorbed as children, such as ‘I’m not good enough’ or ‘I have to keep everyone happy to feel safe.’ These old patterns are programs that run in the background, often out of our conscious awareness. One of the most effective ways I work with clients on this is through Clinical EFT, by bringing those beliefs to the surface so they can be processed and released.
How Dysfunction Creeps In
Family dysfunction doesn’t always mean extreme or obvious abuse. For many people, it looks like:
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Constant criticism or judgement
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Emotional neglect such as parents who were physically present but emotionally unavailable
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Unpredictable moods or walking on eggshells around a parent
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Parents relying on children for emotional support (parentification)
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A lack of healthy communication or safe space to express feelings
When these experiences happen repeatedly, a child begins to adapt. They might learn to stay quiet to avoid conflict, try to be perfect to win approval, or tune out emotionally because it feels safer not to feel at all. These adaptations are clever survival strategies for a child, but as an adult, they often become stumbling blocks to being your best self.
Why It Feels “Normal”
Children don’t know what’s healthy or unhealthy. They only know what’s familiar. If you grew up with a parent who dismissed your feelings, you might have concluded that feelings in general aren’t important. If you had to tiptoe around someone’s moods, you may have learned that keeping other people happy is the only way to feel safe.
This sense of “normal” can follow you into adulthood in ways you may not even notice:
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Choosing friends or partners who mirror the same patterns you grew up with
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Struggling to trust yourself because you were taught to doubt your own feelings
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Feeling overly responsible for others’ happiness
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Avoiding conflict at all costs because it feels unsafe
It’s not that people intentionally repeat painful dynamics, it’s that our nervous system is wired for familiarity. The red flags don’t always look red when they’re the same color as the ones you grew up with!
The Cost of Carrying Dysfunction Into Adulthood
When family dysfunction goes unaddressed, it can shape every part of life. You might notice:
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Anxiety and overthinking: Always scanning the environment, worrying what others think.
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Difficulty with boundaries: Saying yes when you want to say no, or feeling guilty when you put yourself first.
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Low self-worth: Struggling to believe you’re enough without constantly proving yourself.
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Challenges in relationships: Attracting controlling, emotionally unavailable, or critical partners.
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Perfectionism or people-pleasing: Trying to keep the peace or earn love by being “good enough.”
They are learned responses in response to growing up in a difficult environment. The good news is, with the right help and support they can be changed.
Beginning to Recognise What’s Not Normal
This doesn’t mean you have to blame or stay stuck in the past, but it can be successfully processed and released using tools such as Clinical EFT. You may find it helpful to ask yourself questions such as:
- Did I feel safe expressing my feelings growing up?
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Were my needs acknowledged and met?
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Did I feel valued for who I was, or only for what I did?
If you answered no, you probably learned to normalise dysfunction. Awareness though is the beginning of change.
Rewriting Your Definition of Healthy
Healing is about creating new experiences of what “normal” can look like. That might include:
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Learning to recognise and honour your emotions rather than pushing them away. This may feel foreign at first.
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Practicing boundaries. Say no when you need to, and noticing that people who care about you will respect that.
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Surrounding yourself with safe, supportive people who treat you with kindness.
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Gently challenging the belief that you must always earn love or approval.
Therapeutic approaches like Clinical EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) can be especially helpful here. Many of the patterns we carry into adulthood come from subconscious beliefs formed in childhood, such as ‘I’m not good enough,’ ‘I mustn’t upset anyone,’ or ‘love has to be earned.’ Clinical EFT helps to uncover and release these beliefs, creating space for new, healthier ways of relating to yourself and others.
Alongside this deeper work, I also use HeartMath® tools to support clients in calming the body’s stress response. These simple but powerful practices reduce emotional overwhelm in the moment, help restore balance, and build resilience over time. Together, Clinical EFT and HeartMath® provide a complementary path to healing, addressing both the subconscious roots and the day-to-day stress that can keep old patterns in place.
You Don’t Have to Carry This Alone
If you grew up in a toxic or dysfunctional family, you may feel like you’re carrying an invisible weight that no one else can see. But you don’t have to keep carrying it by yourself. With the right support, you can put down what was never actually yours to hold.
I help women and men in Wellington and across New Zealand and Australia who are dealing with the effects of childhood trauma, anxiety, and relationship challenges. In our work together, we explore the patterns you’ve carried from the past and use evidence-based tools like Clinical EFT and HeartMath® to help you release them. The goal shouldn’t be just to learn to cope,
but to feel calmer, more confident, and at peace within yourself.
If parts of this post resonated with you, it may be a sign you’ve been carrying old patterns from your childhood into your adult life. Healing is possible. You deserve to know what it feels like to live without that constant weight.
📌 Book your complimentary 15-minute discovery call today and take the first step towards rewriting your story.
