Sometimes relationship challenges don’t show up in the obvious ways that we may expect. They can creep in through the smaller, everyday moments, such as, the choice of where to sit in a restaurant, who books the airline seats, or how one partner responds when the other finally speaks up.
Take for example always letting your partner choose where you sit at a restaurant. For years, he always made the choice. It might have seemed harmless at first, until you finally found your voice and realised that when you decided to choose, you were met with a sigh, a huff, or an explanation of why his choice would have been better. The message, whether intended or not, was that your needs or preferences aren’t as important.
Or picture booking airline seats. At first, he always chose the window seat for himself because he’s bigger than you. It may have sounded practical, but it was never discussed or shared, and your wishes were dismissed. Only after many years, when you firmly spoke up, did he begin alternating the choice, because you’d given him an ultimatum that you would sit separately otherwise. Even then, the long pattern of one-sided decisions had already left its mark.
Individually, these moments might feel small. But over time, they add up. They teach one partner to shrink back, to stop asking, to avoid the conflict that might come with simply expressing a preference. And when almost everything turns into a battle, over where to sit, what to eat, who makes the plans,
the relationship becomes exhausting.
The other partner may not even notice the pattern, or they may resist change when it’s brought up, showing their disappointment openly, through huffing, sulking, or irritation. At times, they might even insist on explaining why their choice would have been better, which can feel dismissive or controlling. Whether this stems from immaturity, habit, or traits that lean toward narcissism, the effect on the partner receiving it is often the same, a sense of being undervalued.
Family dynamics can play into this as well. For instance, if your partner grew up with a difficult or narcissistic parent who ignored boundaries and demanded loyalty, they may continue supporting that parent as an adult in an unhealthy way, even at the expense of supporting you. Your husband might say he feels like “the meat in the sandwich,” torn between loyalties, yet the impact is that you are left feeling unprotected, dismissed and unheard.
Another painful reality is when the partner refuses to seek help. You may suggest counselling, support, or even just reading about healthier ways of relating, but they dismiss it outright. Their unwillingness to reflect or change can leave you feeling trapped. You are left to carry the weight of both the relationship and your own hurt.
These behaviours don’t necessarily make someone a narcissist. Sometimes they reflect immaturity, habits learned over years, or family conditioning that hasn’t been examined. Yet for the partner on the receiving end, the emotional weight is heavy. The constant dismissal of small choices, or the lack of support in the face of outside pressure , no doubt can chip away at your self-worth, leaving you wondering if you’re overreacting, or if your needs really matter.
What these everyday examples show us is that patterns of control or disregard in relationships rarely begin with the “big stuff.” They often reveal themselves through small decisions repeated over and over again. And if they aren’t addressed, they can undermine the sense of equality, respect, and partnership that healthy relationships rely on.
When everything feels like a battle, when your voice is constantly drowned out, when your needs are brushed aside, it’s not that you’re being too needy, it’s a signal that the relationship dynamic is unhealthy and unsustainable.
If this sounds all to familiar, you’re not alone. Many people minimise these everyday behaviours, telling themselves they’re being too sensitive or overreacting. But the truth is, noticing and naming what’s happening is the first step to change. Here are a few strategies to consider:
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Trust your feelings.
Pay attention to how you feel after these interactions. Do they leave you feeling dismissed, frustrated, or smaller than before? Your emotional response is valid, not something to ignore. -
Document patterns.
Keep a private journal of situations where you feel controlled, dismissed, or unsupported. Seeing them written down can help you recognise just how often it is happening and help identify patterns. -
Set boundaries.
Start small. For example: “I’d like to choose where we sit this time” or “I need you to hear my perspective before we make a decision.” Boundaries don’t have to be confrontational, they’re simply ways of protecting your wellbeing. -
Seek support.
If your partner refuses to get help, that doesn’t mean you can’t. Counselling or therapy can help you process your feelings, clarify your needs, and explore your options. Having a safe space to reflect can give you the clarity you need. -
Decide what’s sustainable for you.
Ultimately, only you can decide whether the relationship dynamic can shift or if it’s costing you too much. Asking yourself questions like “Do I feel respected?” or “Can I thrive in this relationship long-term?” can help guide your next steps.
Finally, the key is to notice. Paying attention to how you feel in these everyday moments. Do you feel seen and respected? Or dismissed and insignificant? That awareness is the beginning of change — whether it’s addressing the behaviour directly, setting new boundaries, or, in some cases, making the difficult decision about whether the relationship supports your wellbeing.
You don’t have to keep carrying the weight of these silent battles on your own. If you recognise yourself here and you’re feeling the exhaustion of constant battles in your relationship, I can help.
I offer counselling and therapy (online across New Zealand and Australia, and in-person in Wellington) using evidence-based tools such as Clinical EFT, to help you process your experiences, strengthen your boundaries, and reclaim your sense of self-worth.
Book your free 15-minute discovery call today! call today to explore how I can support you on your journey towards healthier, more balanced relationships.
